Can You Hear Me Now? 5 Ways to Get Your Child to Listen
Remember that adorable chatty child who not long ago hung lovingly onto your every word? Now they often seems like a glassy-eyed pre-tween who's turned ignoring you into an art form and transformed even the simplest request ("Please turn off the TV" or "Put your socks in the hamper") into an exercise in mind-numbing repetition.
Your child isn't deliberately trying to drive you insane—successful though they may be—and their maddening new behavior has more to do with their sense of self than how they feels about you. Seven- and 8-year-olds are experiencing an increasing sense of control over their own lives, and they're focusing more than ever before on the outside world and the interesting things going on there, like school, friends, fads, and sports, says Mary Rourke, Ph.D., director of school psychology at Widener University's Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology, in Chester, Pennsylvania. Their selective deafness is one way of testing the limits of their growing independence.
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It's also a method of dealing with new pressures and responsibilities. "Kids this age spend most of the school day following instructions," says Carla Fick, Psy.D., a child psychologist and clinical director of the nonprofit Smart Love Family Services, in Chicago. "School is more demanding, so they have fewer opportunities to zone out, de-stress, and exercise their own choices." Because they feel safest at home, it's the place they're most likely to assert themselves and take the time they need to chill out. Often, the way they do that is by acting as if their parents have faded into the furniture. However, you can regain your child's ear without losing your voice or your cool just by listening to our advice—no bullhorn necessary.
Get Some Perspective
Yelling to get your kid's attention won't do either of you much good. "Instead, take a step back and recognize that your child isn't purposely trying to undermine you, they're just acting their age," says Joseph Shrand, M.D., an instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Then, work on a better strategy. When Marianna Carnovale of Nutley, New Jersey has something important to tell her 7-year-old son, Christopher, she'll avoid the times when he's glued to the TV or a video game. She also asks him to repeat her instructions, a tactic that helps him remember what he needs to do.
Make Your Presence Known
As you're well aware, it's surprisingly easy for your 7- or 8-year-old to ignore what you say. But it's a lot harder for them to block you out in other ways. "Sometimes a simple tap on the shoulder will snap your child out of it, or you may have to physically place yourself between them and whatever they're focused on," says Mark Sharp, Ph.D., a psychologist in Oak Brook, Illinois. A little drama or humor doesn't hurt, either. When 8-year-old Carly is lost in a world of her own, her mom, Lonnie Lane, goes for a laugh. "My strategy is to say something completely off-topic, outlandish, and silly, like 'Hey, chicken lips!' " says the Portland, Oregon, mom.
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Avoid the Echo
Calling your child's name over and over again will just get you a sore throat. As will the infinite repeating of "clear your stuff off the table; dinner's almost ready." Sit your child down and let them know that you're willing to remind them of your request once, but they'll have to deal with the consequences if they don't respond after that. For example, you could say, "I'm happy to ask you once to put on your shoes, but after that, I'm walking out to the car without you." Another option is to use a kitchen timer, suggests Dr. Shrand. Tell your child, "We're going to set this for three minutes, and then you need to stop watching TV and put your clothes away." Reinforce the three-minute warning with a reward: "After you put your clothes away, you can use the computer for 15 minutes before bedtime." If your child still doesn't pay attention, the next step might be to take away TV until they've come up with their own plan for being a better listener.
Choose the Message
Before you get yourself embroiled in a battle of wills, make sure you're concentrating on the things that really matter. Seven-year-old Bodhi Menice of Corrales, New Mexico has a talent for ignoring his mother, Danielle, when she asks him to do something he'd rather not do. So she weighs the importance of her requests. "If it's something essential, like setting the table before we sit down for dinner, then I'll make sure he gets it done," she says. If not, she'll either let it go or wait until later. "Because kids this age often feel overwhelmed, they're more likely to listen and cooperate if they feel that parents are only asking them to do the really important things," says Dr. Fick. Critical tasks like homework and family chores can take precedence over smaller issues that pop up during the day, like a pair of sneakers kicked off in the hallway or a candy wrapper that's fallen shy of the trash can.
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Listen to Your Child
Sometimes, kids don't pay attention because they feel like no one's paying attention to them. "Parents are often so busy themselves that they don't always focus on things they consider to be insignificant, but those may be the very things that matter most to a child," says Dr. Fick. Harry Potter may be the last person you want to discuss at the end of a rough day, but what's going on at Hogwarts could be as important to your child as their unfinished homework is to you. When kids feel cared about, understood, and respected by you, they're a lot more likely to hear what you have to say.
Originally published in the April 2011 issue of Parents magazine.
Great article! By the way, thank you for "Hey Chicken Lips!" I use it all the time and my kids think it's hilarious.Read More
I have a 6 years old and a 5 years old and 2 on the way. My 6 and 5 years old play so much they just don't listen and yelling at them doesn't help and talking claim doesn't help. I put them on time out and take away there toys but I'm out of ideas. Getting them to sleep at night and night time is hard work. Can anyone help with any ideasRead More
I totally know the feeling of wanting to rip my hair out. Trying to play the calm role or the yelling role. Having a 16yr old as your oldest is ruff when they don't listen to choir being done and want to blame sibling. It's a battle with children who have ADHD with school choir and wanting to be lazy. Tried the reward bit taking internet away but school. Every parent wants to see there kid do there best but it's hard when your child is growing and not doing there best they can I know staying calm and offering to be there for them is the best thing. Any ideas how to make a teen want to try harder and reach a goal and be a role model for her siblings.Read More